Renee Roissier Miller

Well, it’s now been a year since my world fell apart.  365 days to get used to the fact that Renee is gone and she’s never coming back. The times when I am either awakened or jarred out of a solitary daze by some guttural, almost inhuman sounds, and then realizing the source of those sounds is me, come less frequently now. What’s not mentioned in my quirk of counting days and remembering dates is my awareness of very small milestones and other details. I noticed and it affected me when the last of the food Renee bought was finally eaten and gone. Condiments and toiletries she had purchased were then used up and had to be replaced by me. Who knew that finishing off a damn bottle of ketchup would be such a sad event?  Clothing and toys she provided for the kids were outgrown or worn out, and the knowledge she won’t be going back to the store for us brought more pain. Improvements, repairs and updates to the house she will never see. The list goes on.  I cried each time I gave pieces of her clothing and other mementos of hers to people who were special to us, even though it was something I really wanted to do. I’ve already mentioned the big dates and life events Renee wasn’t around to be part of but the little things and the finality of it all has been a truly heartbreaking experience. The small stuff can hurt a lot, too. I thought I knew a little bit about pain and suffering but I’ve come to realize I didn’t have a clue.

No middle-aged man ever loved their mother more than I did mine but watching Mom become mentally and physically ravaged and then dying from cancer was a relative walk in the park when judged by this past year. The still very sad anniversary of her death, a joyous event compared to the emotion in remembering the loss of my Renee. My grief is only the tip of the iceberg, as each of my children also lost their mother and best friend. Some things just defy explanation and to me this is one of them. People can draw upon whatever faith they possess to try and understand why this happened to such a wonderful woman but it will never make sense to me. With the exception of those who caused this and maybe a few who support the guilty I would never wish this type of emotional devastation on anyone, no matter how much I may dislike them. I’ve mentioned before and several recent posts have hammered the point home again, my family has no monopoly on suffering and while this posting may not reflect it I never forget this fact. My heart goes out to each and every one of you who has suffered a similarly unexpected or horrific loss of this type. To the one recent poster who had an almost unbelievable string of terrible death in her family, thank you for providing an example of how life can and must go on. Moving on while never forgetting is something I am trying to do. Maybe I am getting a little better at managing day-to-day living in spite of some of the recent emotional triggers. I know my Renee would get on with life, enjoy the moment, plan for the future and live to the fullest each and every day if our situation had been reversed. Her glass was always half full and she looked for ways to top it off. I’m pretty sure she would expect the same from me and while I don’t have her natural gifts for happiness and fulfillment, I do have her examples. Even while looking toward a brighter future there is no way to sugar coat this day. It is a very tough one for me and my family. I do appreciate the thoughts, prayers, concerns and support from those following my family’s current struggles and hopefully some future triumphs. While I am not the preaching type, if anyone has something too long put off, a fence to mend, or needs to take a break to enjoy the moment or otherwise reflect on the good things life has to offer before some tragedy changes it forever, then please mend the fence or enjoy the moment or do whatever it is that is missing in your life.  Do it in memory of Renee, I am sure she would approve.

Thanks again to the many who care.

-jamie

Miller, Dailey fall short of title in state wrestling championship

Two Greenback wrestlers were on the brink of a state championship Saturday afternoon, but both came up just short. Tyler Dailey and Jeremy Miller competed in the 2010 United States Marine Corps Wrestling Championships held at the Williamson Co. Expo Center in Franklin, but neither was able to claim gold. Miller, a junior who won the state title during his eighth grade year, lost a 2-0 decision to Independence junior Brennen Cox in the 145-pound weight class. Miller had won his previous matches in the tournament with virtual ease, defeating Tim Vara in the first round by pinfall in 2:39 and then winning a 6-0 decision over Zach Bennett in the second round. Miller progressed to pin Kyle Hughes in one minute and then dispatched Curtis Flanagan in 28 seconds. However, the Cherokee junior finished as the runner up for the second consecutive year. He has also earned a third place finish in 2008, along with his state title in the 103-pound weight class in 2007. Dailey, a senior, fell by a 9-1 M.D. to Mt. Juliet senior Hunter Allen in the 285-pound weight class. Like Miller, Dailey enjoyed a strong showing in his previous four matches. The Cherokee senior pinned Stephen Jackson in 1:10 in the first round and won a 5-2 decision against Taylor Bain in the second. He went on to pin Wilfred Morrison in 3:25 and then won a 1-0 decision over Josh Barnette to reach the championship round. Allen finished in third place in the 285-pound weight class last year, but Dailey had not placed previously.

Published: 02/23/2010   Source: News-Herald

It’s been almost a year since Renee was killed, how are you and the kids doing ?

This is by far the easiest question to ask, it is also the one I hear the most, and it is the hardest to answer honestly.  Most times I simply say, ” I’m doing OK ” particularly if the person asking is just an acquaintance, trying to be polite or make casual conversation.  Even those I have a history with often get the same reply.  I mean, what can I say?   The phrase today’s youth so casually toss around pretty well sums things up, “the whole situation sucks.”  Truth is I don’t know how I am doing, some days are better than others but I am trying to get on with life.  I never lose sight of the fact I have been very fortunate to have some very special family and friends who really meant it when they said “what can I do to help?” There are some people with whom I have lost touch with, either my situation is so difficult for them to deal with they just can’t, or maybe they are going through their own life issues which occupy all their time and energy.

Regardless, I really make an effort to focus on the many who have been wonderful rather than the few who have disappointed.  I have one sister who has tirelessly taken over my financial affairs, especially the reams of paperwork that go with my sinking rental properties, my special-needs kids and a host of other things Renee took care of that I was totally oblivious to.  This one service has probably helped me more than anything.  I had, and still have, no interest or energy for dealing with creditors, IRS and other tax people, the school system or much of anything else that involves paperwork or deadlines.  I get an occasional card, note or gift from friends or family reminding me there are some who remember and do care and these are always appreciated.  I do my best to not open the rest of the mail.

So back to how I am doing  – it’s a  mixed bag, I guess.  I sleep a little which is a big improvement over not sleeping at all.  Still this past year has taken its toll.  No real way to quantify it, but I suspect the whispered comments by friends and family about how much I’ve aged are true.  The guy in the mirror looks ten years older to me, and that’s just on the outside.  I’m not really sure I want to speculate about what may be going on inside. I am making some efforts to at least slow the clock down a bit.

I spend a lot of time alone, reflecting, thinking about what to do next. I am one of those mindless numbers crunchers, maybe half of an idiot-savant, who is always aware of times and dates. I recall at day 270 thinking how that was about the amount of time it took Renee to get from conception to birth and how she then spent the next 50 years and 3.5 months getting as close to perfection as anyone who ever walked this planet. Then in the blink of an eye, some bastard steals her. No way to explain it I guess. When not playing with numbers or remembering dates I wander around my property, when I am alone and the kids are in bed.  Renee named this place ” Mapleshade Farm” but I think, “Renee’s Ranch,” or “Renee’s Realm” may be more fitting, as she really was the driving force behind the place.  Some may remember a song from the 70’s which had the refrain, ” We had it all, just like Bogie and Bacall… ” That bangs around my somewhat empty head from time to time.  While I can’t say what Bogie and Bacall had, I doubt it was near as good as what Renee and I shared.  It’s been a few days short of a year since my world crashed and I find myself forced to seriously contemplate what a short year ago would have been both inconceivable and incomprehensible, life without Renee. It scares me a lot. Renee must have been the source of a lot of my strength, I don’t remember being afraid of much of anything when she was alive, not so today.   I’ve meandered around the question how am I doing long enough – the quick and honest answer is, maybe a little bit better. Thanks for asking.  I haven’t even touched the question about the kids because it is long and very complicated.   There are so many of them and each is managing things differently.  Some days are better than others but I suppose I’ll have to address this more completely some other time.

What happened at the February 22nd status hearing for accomplice, Jonathan Michael Brown?

Good question.  Posting that information kind of got overtaken by thoughts about our wedding anniversary.  I can tell you that this hearing was much better than the typical miserable day of sitting in the courtroom hour after hour and then in a matter of 30 seconds  a new date is simply set for the next such hearing.  On February 22nd before the case was called the bailiff paged Jonathan Michael Brown and when Brown walked over he was placed under arrest.  The bailiff read additional charges which the Grand Jury, in its February session, had handed down against Brown.  After reading the latest charges the bailiff asked Brown if he understood what he was charged with, he answered “no.”  The bailiff read through the charges again and then interpreted for Brown that he was facing very serious charges.  The officer placed handcuffs on Brown and took him into custody.  His bail is set at $150,000.   When the case involving the previous charges was called, a handcuffed Brown was led forward and a new date for his next status hearing on the earlier charges was set.  Brown was removed to the Monroe County Jail where he will, hopefully, remain.  The Advocate & Democrat newspaper notes that Brown is now charged with “criminal responsibility for another, facilitation to commit first-degree murder, tampering with evidence and accessory after the fact.”

Be well – jamie

This is a much sadder than usual day for me.  Today is my 25th wedding anniversary and my first without my beautiful wife.  My work often took me away from Renee on our anniversary and so we would mark the occasion a week before or after the actual date depending on my schedule.  I have forgotten the details of many of them, we were often low-key as far as celebrating went. Our first years of marriage, money was very tight but we always took the time to acknowledge to ourselves and each other our good fortune in the series of events that brought us together for life.

While some years are a bit fuzzy, I remember my wedding day very well. Renee and I were married in Alaska, Feb 25th 1985 on a very snowy day. We had spent over 5 years prior to getting married living together on the eastern shore of Maryland, then traveling across country and settling in Alaska. Living together actually worked well for us, even then, we were committed for life. With or without the certificate.  We could have gone on that way indefinitely but as Renee and I were both around 26 years old and knew there would be children some day we figured the time was right. I suppose our families felt a bit cheated at what amounted to us basically eloping but we decided after 5 years of cohabitating,  a large or expensive wedding wasn’t needed.  We were married in a non-denominational church’s lobby with only Renee’s sister Michelle, her cousin Tom and two friends in attendance. The price tag for the day was very cheap, and we paid for it all.   The years afterward, priceless.

When I tell people our wedding day costs – rings, honeymoon suite (15 miles from home) celebration dinner, church fees and everything else – came to about 800 bucks total they shake their heads. I got to live the cliche, the best things in life are (almost) free. After all our years together, the standard practice of making a beeline for the marriage bed waited until well into the next morning. We spent the night sipping champagne and talking about where we heading, where we had been. We laughed and joked, held each other, thanking the powers that brought us together. We were just two young people, absolutely fearless and ready to take on the world. All our hopes and dreams were discussed that night and I am happy to say many of them came true. The hotel bill said our honeymoon lasted just two nights but it really went on for over 24 years. No man ever had a better wife. In the soon-to-be year since she was stolen from my family, I remain grateful and humbled Renee chose to share her life with me. I see parts of Renee in each of her nine children, giving me at least a glimmer of hope that her love, beauty and greatness will live on.

Status hearings in the cases against confessed murderer Kenneth Erick Waldrop and his friend Jonathan Michael Brown, charged as an accessory to the crime, were held in Monroe County Criminal Court on Monday, January 25th.

To give you an idea of how miserable it is to attend one of these hearings here is a bit of background. All defendants, counsel and interested parties are notified that the proceedings begin at 9am. Starting sometime after that hour the day’s cases are called in an order unknown to everyone but the judge and his clerk. Interested parties have no choice but to sit there hour after hour while the judge repeats his instructions to a seemingly endless line of suspects who wish to plead guilty to their charges. Those who are not pleading guilty receive somewhat different instructions and hearing or trial dates are set.

The courtroom begins the day quite full and then the crowd is whittled down as cases are handled. The defendants that are currently held in the county jail are brought over to the court house shackled in pairs and dressed in striped black and white prison garb. Let me assure you that it is not a pretty sight. The family and friends of most of the defendants are only slightly more presentable.

Once called, the hearings for Waldrop and Brown took only a few minutes each and the defendants did not speak. The first of these cases was called at around 10:15am the other came after the lunch break, at approximately 2pm. Trial date for the case against Kenneth Erick Waldrop is set for Tuesday, September 21st with Monday, September 20th scheduled for any pre-trial pleas or motions. Jonathan Michael Brown will have a status hearing on his current charges on February 22nd.

A truly miserable day but according to everyone in the victim’s rights business this is a huge improvement over the way things were handled in the past. Not so long ago the victims’ family was not even kept informed of the legal proceedings. We are grateful for the small favor of at least knowing how the case is proceeding.

How were the holidays at Mapleshade Farm ?

Our first Christmas without Renee was very difficult. I knew it was going to be rough but it turned out to be much harder than I ever expected. I’ve written before about how festive Renee was and how much she loved the holiday season. Our home was one of pure joy when she was alive, especially during the holidays. Renee would sing and dance her way through decorating the house, shopping, cooking, and activities with the kids. She would make a float out of a trailer with the animals and kids and participate in a couple of small local parades. It was a given she won first place, I mean how could she not? With dogs dressed as reindeer, kids as elves, miniature horses and sheep, she pulled it all together and was the hit of the Greenback parade! There was simply no way I could accomplish what she did. I got inundated with a couple of real time constraints prior to Christmas. Some issues with the kids’ therapies and rental house problems really cut into my plans for shopping and other holiday functions, greatly adding to my stress and feelings of inadequacy.

I was out Christmas Eve trying to get some shopping done, mostly for the sake of the small children in an attempt to get some happiness out of the big day. My older children really helped with last minute decorating and wrapping presents so the morning wasn’t a total disaster. The bigger kids got a bit short changed. Christmas for them mostly consisted of a card and an IOU from Dad for an evening alone and the promise of buying a bigger ticket item together when I could do a better job of understanding what they wanted and needed. I think it sufficed as they weren’t feeling any more cheerful than I was. The younger ones did get some enjoyment out of the morning, unwrapping presents and playing with new toys. We did attend the small Christmas Eve party at a friend’s house that had become a tradition but one which I debated upon whether it would continue or not. To say it wasn’t the same without Renee is one of the greater understatements. Somewhat fitting, the power went out at the host’s home after a pole was struck, causing the party to end much earlier than usual. Just as well for me, I was really ready to go after spending a couple of hours trying to act much more pleasant than I felt. We ended Christmas day with Renee’s favorite meal, a large standing rib roast. I certainly hope the kids liked it as I barely remember eating it. My sister Kristi came down the day after Christmas which really gave the family a bit of a boost and was a big help in keeping the kids happy and getting the house in order.

New Years came with a little more celebration. We had some house guests, among them Renee’s sister Suzi and her family. They definitely earned the distance award – traveling from Bethel, Alaska to share some time with us. Suzi has some of the same energy and natural cheeriness Renee possessed and was a real trouper helping with the house and planning fun activities with the kids. Like the rest of us she lost so much when Renee died and I know first-hand how much energy it took her to keep things upbeat for the kids. She made things as happy for us as they could be under the circumstances and I really appreciate her efforts in bringing her family down from Alaska to be with us. A week or so later, another Aunt Susie and my cousin Erin came down and were not only a big help but a lot of fun.

I am very fortunate to have family and friends who are doing so much to help me make the best out of a truly rotten situation. Many people have been generous with their time and money and I greatly appreciate each and every one of them. Those who have come and stayed with me are really perfect house guests. Eager to help and understanding that my entertaining skills and motivation are not really up to par these days. A lot of these folks have greatly increased my chances of long-term survival.

The calender year is over and my “year of tears” is winding down. I’ve been through all the holidays, 11 birthdays, counting Renee’s and including the traditional milestones birthdays of 13 for Jesse, 21 for Joannie, and 50 for me. So many of what should have been wonderful occasions – graduations, awards, college enrollments, etc. – all without my beloved Renee for the first time. Not much left except my 25th wedding anniversary and the first anniversary of the day my world crashed. The year will end but likely the tears will continue as long as I do. Life will go on and there are some positive things happening but it can really be tough.

I will be attending another status hearing concerning the sub-human monster who stole my baby from me and the piece of shit who abetted him, on January 25th. I expect to have a better idea of when the actual trials will be. Details will be posted here once they are known.

I’ve had a lot of thoughts and emotions I plan to write about and post on this website in the near future. The website will be maintained and updated as long as there is an interest and certainly until all trials are concluded. Please post any questions, feedback etc on the site or forward to my sister Cathie at : cathiemiller@hotmail.com

I will post much more soon. I hope all who read this and have taken an interest in me and my family are well.

-jamie

With rented aerial equipment Jamie and the boys set out to make Mapleshade Farm glow a bright red this year. Here’s a look at their work. How do you think it turned out?

How was Thanksgiving at Mapleshade?

Our first Thanksgiving without Renee was hard. Renee LOVED holidays. She was a bundle of energy, singing and laughing while making sure the rest of us had a great day. Cooking and decorating the house were all things she excelled at. Her absence was very much felt by all.  Still, we wanted to celebrate the holiday and at least make the attempt to bring joy into our house and to acknowledge that despite the terrible loss our family still has much to be thankful for. A large number of people truly do care and family and friends have helped us bear the pain. As bad as things have been it could be much worse and we know it. A very good friend came up from Florida to help cook and put the house in order and all things considered we came through the holiday alright. The kids and I were not afraid to enjoy the day and celebrate some of what we have as opposed to only dwelling on what we lost.  Everyone ate well and there were many good laughs and festive moments to go with somber reflections.  I think Renee would have been pleased with the results.

Jackie made it back from college, fresh off his wrestling season-ending shoulder surgery and seems to be recuperating well. Opening a bottle and eating with one hand doesn’t appear to be much of a problem for him. He is expected to be back to 100% in time for next year. It was good to have him back and all nine kids together for the holiday.  Christmas may be a bit harder but we will certainly try to make the best of things.

What are your Christmas plans?

No change in location, we always celebrated Christmas at home and will continue to do so. We are planning a fairly low-key Christmas.  Renee handled all the shopping and decorating for our family so this task now falls to me and the older children.  We are going to do everything possible to see the younger children smiling on Christmas morning.  For about the last eight years we would go to a small Christmas Eve party at a friend’s home, a really eclectic group, and usually a good time.  Pretty much a tradition but I need to talk to the older children to see if this is something we will continue.  From my vantage point, Renee was always the life of this party and it could be a pretty tough night for us, but if the kids want to give it a try I will make the effort, too.  Christmas should be a time of happiness and I don’t want to be a deterrent to anyone’s enjoyment of the season, so I really don’t know what we will be doing on the 24th.  My sister Kristi is planning on coming down the day after Christmas to spend time with the kids and help out a bit and we look forward to seeing her.

Several people have expressed an interest in coming down for New Years. I know Renee’s sister Suzi and her family is planning on making the trek from Alaska to be with us as we ring in the New Year. I’ll write some time in January as to how it went and who showed up.

What is the status of the legal proceedings?

There won’t be much news to report about the upcoming trial or other legal matters until the status hearing in January. As of this minute a trial is scheduled to begin on February 17th but it will likely be postponed to some later date in the spring. We will update this site following the January 25th status hearing to reflect any new dates.  As reported and linked to here, an accomplice [Jonathan Brown] was arrested and remains in jail as I type this.  Additional charges to go with the accessory to murder after the fact are likely for this piece of filth and his status too will be updated in court on January 25th.  I am very happy this scumbag has finally found his way to a jail cell.  It is long overdue.  I believe that more charges are pending for Renee’s killer [Kenneth Erick Waldrop] to go with his first degree murder and kidnapping charges.  I will keep the website updated concerning the trial as I get the information, as I know several of you are planning to attend.

Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year to you & yours

-jamie

Has anyone suggested that you read The Shack by William Young?

Yes, the book has been recommended to me.  Off the top of my head I can think of at least five people who suggested I read it.  I did read it and I am glad I did, though it did not have near the impact on me some had hoped for.  My thanks to all who suggested I read it.  If you have not read it and plan to do so you may want to wait to read my thoughts on the book that follow, they reveal quite a bit of the story.

OK, thoughts on The Shack- a quick glance at the back of the book was all it took to see why it was recommended to me. The main character lost a daughter to violence and there were enough similarities to my losing Renee and the grief that followed to make the book seem like a custom fit to my situation.  Not to take anything away from those who were moved by the story, it really did not have a similar effect on me.  I suspect the story reads quite a bit differently to those who have not experienced the type of devastating, unexpected and senseless loss that I have endured with Renee’s death, and just read it to validate faith they already possess.  I was left with many more questions than answers and I found several parts of the book very disturbing.

Again, I am glad I read it, partially I suppose because it is something relatively current I can discuss with people.  I have lost most of the passion I once had for politics and current events.  I guess it may be insightful to see what my philosophical starting point was when I read the book. Prior to Renee’s death I would have described myself as agnostic leaning toward a belief in some sort of higher power.  After her death I am not even sure I have that little bit faith though I do at least consider the possibility some of the kindness and generosity I have been shown by others may be divinely inspired.  There are truly good people out there which does somewhat balance the pure evil my family has experienced.  This may be as close to God as I get.

I found the book way too flowery, almost new age, and lacking in substance for my taste. Even the term the author applied to his grief as the “great sadness” seemed somewhat empty to me.  “Great sadness” is technically accurate but really doesn’t do justice to the gut wrenching misery, hopelessness, anger, hatred, helplessness and myriad of other emotions that follow someone you love being stolen from you.  It doesn’t begin to convey what I went through when I not only didn’t know if I was going to live or die, I didn’t really care.

Casting God as a cross between Aunt Jemima and Julia Child was rather amusing and original but the Holy Spirit portion of the Christian trinity was seemingly inspired by Shirley McLaine, I found it almost condescending or maybe it was written for a younger audience. The main character’s questions when given the chance to speak to God were for the most part superficial and not what I like to think I would ask if given the same opportunity.  One salient point I did take from the book was when God was asked by the main character why his daughter “had to die.”  God replied, “she didn’t have to die.”  I do agree his daughter didn’t have to die, nor did Renee.  Wasn’t part of any plan, it just happened.

The part of the book I really found disturbing wasn’t revealed until the end of the story.  The protagonist has been describing a weekend visit with God, at God’s invitation and we find he never actually went to the agreed upon meeting place.  Instead he was in a near-fatal auto accident on the way to his destination and was, in fact, comatose in the hospital for the weekend.  It struck me as odd the only way to meet with God involved near death. Darker still when during the course of the story the man lamented not bringing his wife to meet God, and God said she could have come but you didn’t want to tell her about our rendezvous. Would she too have had to have her body crushed and hovering near death to see God?

Maybe I was too close to my tragedy to be as inspired as some were with this book, but my thinking is – if I need the near death experience to get answers, no thanks. I’ll wait.  I care little about my own pain but my family has suffered enough.  If given the choice I would never want them to see me busted up, near death while on a spiritual journey, even if I did come out happier at the other end.  The piece where our character was given the choice of staying with his beloved, dead daughter to play forever in God’s gardens or going home to his family scared me a bit.  My family needs me here but I likely would have followed Renee anywhere if I had the option.  It may be for the best I don’t really believe Renee is waiting patiently for me to join her.  It would be real tempting to speed up the process.

The author in my opinion gets real lazy at the end of the book.  We find bodies, catch a murderer, and tie up a bunch of loose ends in just a couple of sentences.  Prior to the end of the story our author waxes on using hundreds of words to describe various aromas emanating from God’s kitchen as she cooked breakfast and other superfluous events.

I will end my review here and at some point may re-read the book to see if my perspective changes with time.  Again, thanks to those who suggested the book and while some of my observations may seem to contradict, I am glad I read it.

-jamie

Jonathan Michael Brown, 26 of Delano, TN was indicted by the Monroe County Grand Jury in its November session. He is being held in the county jail on $25,000 bond. Jamie and Jeremy Miller attended the  November 16th arraignment in General Sessions Court.  Click this link to read the  Advocate and Democrat newspaper’s coverage of Brown’s arrest.

Jonathan Brown is charged as an accessory after the fact. The charges reflect that Brown is not believed to have helped in the actual murder of Renee. Rather he helped the murderer, Kenneth Erick Waldrop, avoid arrest. Brown stated that he cannot afford an attorney and, therefore, one will be appointed to him by the court. The next scheduled proceeding in this case will be a status hearing on January 25th, 2010.

The family has known for some time that Erick Waldrop’s friend, Jonathan Brown, played a role on the day of the murder. Although the authorities have said that the charges would eventually be filed it has been incredibly painful that it has taken so many months to move forward against Jonathan Brown.