October Update
Jamie’s family has been mostly without internet for the last month thanks to lots of rain and an old internet receiver. To let you know how he is doing I am copying here a note that he sent to all of his co-workers before his connection went down. Jamie should be able to add more soon…..
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To the very special people on the North Slope of Alaska,
I’m pretty sure BP frowns on the ” all users ” for personal communications but I simply don’t know of any other way to reach all the people who have helped me and my family during the worst days of our lives, so I ask them to bear with me. I did try to personally acknowledge some who helped me but I am sure I missed many of you and there are those who preferred to remain anonymous. I wish to thank each and every one of you who contributed to my children, sent cards, flowers, phone calls and prayers on my behalf. I was about as low as a man can go and your generosity really made a difference, in many ways, not just relieving some immediate financial pressure and allowing me to set up a fund to deal with some of my children’s future needs as a direct result of losing their mother. Knowing so many of you care helped me survive some very dark days. I am beyond humbled.
I hardly know where to start in trying to express my gratitude, so many people reached out. There was a co worker and her husband who had an almost uncanny knack for sending me something when I was at my lowest points to remind me they cared. A supervisor and his peers who showed their personal as well as professional concern many times during the past months. A friend and former co worker who stunned me with the size of his gift to me and my children, who then committed to do it again next year. The people who made the trek from Alaska to help me finish a remodeling project my wife had started, the hundreds of people who quietly put the money and checks in the jars, those who cried with me on the phone and in their cards, letters and emails. The list goes on and on. I don’t have the words to do justice and tell you how much this meant to me and my family so I will just say THANK YOU to each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. I will never forget the outpouring of love and support. Again, it did more than make a difference, it kept me alive.
Learning to live without my beloved Renee continues to be hard. Some of my children, particularly the younger ones have had some pretty major setbacks but we are trying to move forward. Reality is, life goes on, no matter who is lost. With the size of my family it seems there is always some milestone first, first birthday, holiday, graduation, etc to be experienced for the first time without their Mom. Little things trigger out pouring of emotion in me with no warning. Hard to explain if you haven’t been there, but those who have no doubt know what I am referring to.
I never took my family for granted, I always knew I had it good but I probably never really knew how good I had it. I am somewhat embarrassed to say I likely did take my job and my co workers for granted. I found out real quickly my family has no monopoly on pain and suffering. Bad things happen to good people all the time. I have gotten a little involved with other victims of violent crime and to date none of them had a job like mine which provided a measure of financial security while trying to sort out how to deal with their tragedies, and of course none had the network of friends and co workers to see them through that I’ve enjoyed. Once my wife was gone and there was no bringing her back, I have been a very lucky man.
As for my future, I honestly don’t know. I have no idea how or why I am still alive but since I am, I am going to try and make the best of it. Renee and I talked many times about the need to keep going in the event something happened to one of us, but I never in a million years thought it would be me outliving her. While not etched in stone, I suspect my time with BP and on the north slope will be coming to an end. I am not able to return to work at this time for a variety of reasons. Sleep continues to be a problem, I am a bit forgetful and would have a tough time staying on task. ( I know some of you wags are thinking, ” how could we tell a difference? ” but trust me it’s much worse. ) The circumstances surrounding Renee’s death just add to my plight. I would still be a grieving mess had she wrapped her car around a tree or died of some natural cause but the way things stand I don’t really feel I lost anything, rather it was stolen from me. Some may argue dead is dead but there is a rage in me that takes a huge amount of my efforts just to control. A trial sometime next year will open some wounds time otherwise might make me numb to and there are some truly unique problems with my oldest daughter.
It’s been almost seven months, 200 days to be exact since my world crashed. Seems like a lifetime ago and yesterday all at the same time and it is going to take me a while to pick up the pieces. An insomniac like me tends to read a lot and one of the best analogies I heard for the loss of a loved spouse was: it is an amputation. Part of me is gone forever, I will never be the same. That said, and hopefully to end this on a somewhat upbeat note, I am still going to strive to be happy, learn to walk again, whatever. I didn’t think I would survive but I did, now the challenge is to figure out what next. My kids deserve that from me and I am going to do my best to deliver. My Renee had a gift for being happy always and living life to it’s fullest each and every day. My goal is to be as much like her in that respect as I can.
My sisters maintain a website: reneeroissiermiller.com to provide information on me and my family and keep the memory of my wife alive. I am going to try write a bit more on it myself and it will provide links for those wishing to follow the upcoming trial. Those who view it will see in addition to lots of tears this past summer we also had some laughs and accomplished a lot. Please feel free to forward this to anyone outside of GPB.
Thank you again so very much,
jamie
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