Renee Roissier Miller

How were the holidays at Mapleshade Farm ?

Our first Christmas without Renee was very difficult. I knew it was going to be rough but it turned out to be much harder than I ever expected. I’ve written before about how festive Renee was and how much she loved the holiday season. Our home was one of pure joy when she was alive, especially during the holidays. Renee would sing and dance her way through decorating the house, shopping, cooking, and activities with the kids. She would make a float out of a trailer with the animals and kids and participate in a couple of small local parades. It was a given she won first place, I mean how could she not? With dogs dressed as reindeer, kids as elves, miniature horses and sheep, she pulled it all together and was the hit of the Greenback parade! There was simply no way I could accomplish what she did. I got inundated with a couple of real time constraints prior to Christmas. Some issues with the kids’ therapies and rental house problems really cut into my plans for shopping and other holiday functions, greatly adding to my stress and feelings of inadequacy.

I was out Christmas Eve trying to get some shopping done, mostly for the sake of the small children in an attempt to get some happiness out of the big day. My older children really helped with last minute decorating and wrapping presents so the morning wasn’t a total disaster. The bigger kids got a bit short changed. Christmas for them mostly consisted of a card and an IOU from Dad for an evening alone and the promise of buying a bigger ticket item together when I could do a better job of understanding what they wanted and needed. I think it sufficed as they weren’t feeling any more cheerful than I was. The younger ones did get some enjoyment out of the morning, unwrapping presents and playing with new toys. We did attend the small Christmas Eve party at a friend’s house that had become a tradition but one which I debated upon whether it would continue or not. To say it wasn’t the same without Renee is one of the greater understatements. Somewhat fitting, the power went out at the host’s home after a pole was struck, causing the party to end much earlier than usual. Just as well for me, I was really ready to go after spending a couple of hours trying to act much more pleasant than I felt. We ended Christmas day with Renee’s favorite meal, a large standing rib roast. I certainly hope the kids liked it as I barely remember eating it. My sister Kristi came down the day after Christmas which really gave the family a bit of a boost and was a big help in keeping the kids happy and getting the house in order.

New Years came with a little more celebration. We had some house guests, among them Renee’s sister Suzi and her family. They definitely earned the distance award – traveling from Bethel, Alaska to share some time with us. Suzi has some of the same energy and natural cheeriness Renee possessed and was a real trouper helping with the house and planning fun activities with the kids. Like the rest of us she lost so much when Renee died and I know first-hand how much energy it took her to keep things upbeat for the kids. She made things as happy for us as they could be under the circumstances and I really appreciate her efforts in bringing her family down from Alaska to be with us. A week or so later, another Aunt Susie and my cousin Erin came down and were not only a big help but a lot of fun.

I am very fortunate to have family and friends who are doing so much to help me make the best out of a truly rotten situation. Many people have been generous with their time and money and I greatly appreciate each and every one of them. Those who have come and stayed with me are really perfect house guests. Eager to help and understanding that my entertaining skills and motivation are not really up to par these days. A lot of these folks have greatly increased my chances of long-term survival.

The calender year is over and my “year of tears” is winding down. I’ve been through all the holidays, 11 birthdays, counting Renee’s and including the traditional milestones birthdays of 13 for Jesse, 21 for Joannie, and 50 for me. So many of what should have been wonderful occasions – graduations, awards, college enrollments, etc. – all without my beloved Renee for the first time. Not much left except my 25th wedding anniversary and the first anniversary of the day my world crashed. The year will end but likely the tears will continue as long as I do. Life will go on and there are some positive things happening but it can really be tough.

I will be attending another status hearing concerning the sub-human monster who stole my baby from me and the piece of shit who abetted him, on January 25th. I expect to have a better idea of when the actual trials will be. Details will be posted here once they are known.

I’ve had a lot of thoughts and emotions I plan to write about and post on this website in the near future. The website will be maintained and updated as long as there is an interest and certainly until all trials are concluded. Please post any questions, feedback etc on the site or forward to my sister Cathie at : cathiemiller@hotmail.com

I will post much more soon. I hope all who read this and have taken an interest in me and my family are well.

-jamie