Ask Jamie…………………….February Update
It’s been almost a year since Renee was killed, how are you and the kids doing ?
This is by far the easiest question to ask, it is also the one I hear the most, and it is the hardest to answer honestly. Most times I simply say, ” I’m doing OK ” particularly if the person asking is just an acquaintance, trying to be polite or make casual conversation. Even those I have a history with often get the same reply. I mean, what can I say? The phrase today’s youth so casually toss around pretty well sums things up, “the whole situation sucks.” Truth is I don’t know how I am doing, some days are better than others but I am trying to get on with life. I never lose sight of the fact I have been very fortunate to have some very special family and friends who really meant it when they said “what can I do to help?” There are some people with whom I have lost touch with, either my situation is so difficult for them to deal with they just can’t, or maybe they are going through their own life issues which occupy all their time and energy.
Regardless, I really make an effort to focus on the many who have been wonderful rather than the few who have disappointed. I have one sister who has tirelessly taken over my financial affairs, especially the reams of paperwork that go with my sinking rental properties, my special-needs kids and a host of other things Renee took care of that I was totally oblivious to. This one service has probably helped me more than anything. I had, and still have, no interest or energy for dealing with creditors, IRS and other tax people, the school system or much of anything else that involves paperwork or deadlines. I get an occasional card, note or gift from friends or family reminding me there are some who remember and do care and these are always appreciated. I do my best to not open the rest of the mail.
So back to how I am doing – it’s a mixed bag, I guess. I sleep a little which is a big improvement over not sleeping at all. Still this past year has taken its toll. No real way to quantify it, but I suspect the whispered comments by friends and family about how much I’ve aged are true. The guy in the mirror looks ten years older to me, and that’s just on the outside. I’m not really sure I want to speculate about what may be going on inside. I am making some efforts to at least slow the clock down a bit.
I spend a lot of time alone, reflecting, thinking about what to do next. I am one of those mindless numbers crunchers, maybe half of an idiot-savant, who is always aware of times and dates. I recall at day 270 thinking how that was about the amount of time it took Renee to get from conception to birth and how she then spent the next 50 years and 3.5 months getting as close to perfection as anyone who ever walked this planet. Then in the blink of an eye, some bastard steals her. No way to explain it I guess. When not playing with numbers or remembering dates I wander around my property, when I am alone and the kids are in bed. Renee named this place ” Mapleshade Farm” but I think, “Renee’s Ranch,” or “Renee’s Realm” may be more fitting, as she really was the driving force behind the place. Some may remember a song from the 70’s which had the refrain, ” We had it all, just like Bogie and Bacall… ” That bangs around my somewhat empty head from time to time. While I can’t say what Bogie and Bacall had, I doubt it was near as good as what Renee and I shared. It’s been a few days short of a year since my world crashed and I find myself forced to seriously contemplate what a short year ago would have been both inconceivable and incomprehensible, life without Renee. It scares me a lot. Renee must have been the source of a lot of my strength, I don’t remember being afraid of much of anything when she was alive, not so today. I’ve meandered around the question how am I doing long enough – the quick and honest answer is, maybe a little bit better. Thanks for asking. I haven’t even touched the question about the kids because it is long and very complicated. There are so many of them and each is managing things differently. Some days are better than others but I suppose I’ll have to address this more completely some other time.
What happened at the February 22nd status hearing for accomplice, Jonathan Michael Brown?
Good question. Posting that information kind of got overtaken by thoughts about our wedding anniversary. I can tell you that this hearing was much better than the typical miserable day of sitting in the courtroom hour after hour and then in a matter of 30 seconds a new date is simply set for the next such hearing. On February 22nd before the case was called the bailiff paged Jonathan Michael Brown and when Brown walked over he was placed under arrest. The bailiff read additional charges which the Grand Jury, in its February session, had handed down against Brown. After reading the latest charges the bailiff asked Brown if he understood what he was charged with, he answered “no.” The bailiff read through the charges again and then interpreted for Brown that he was facing very serious charges. The officer placed handcuffs on Brown and took him into custody. His bail is set at $150,000. When the case involving the previous charges was called, a handcuffed Brown was led forward and a new date for his next status hearing on the earlier charges was set. Brown was removed to the Monroe County Jail where he will, hopefully, remain. The Advocate & Democrat newspaper notes that Brown is now charged with “criminal responsibility for another, facilitation to commit first-degree murder, tampering with evidence and accessory after the fact.”
Be well – jamie
Jamie,
Thank you for the updates and your recollections of Renee. Every time I read them I am moved at the depth of your love for Renee and your ability to express that love. It is difficult to know what to say in the aftermath of Renee’s murder. The mere broaching of the subject lends itself to paralysis. Fortunately for us, you have anticipated the questions on everybody’s minds and have answered them so thoughtfully that our burdens are eased and normal conversation is possible.
I can only hope things are getting somewhat better for you and your family. The return of some the small joys of life would be well deserved and long overdue. Even bad would be an improvement over horrible. And of course, horrible is better than the worst day ever.
Mike
Allison and I have remained very aware of meaningful dates for Jamie and his family and know that February/March present extremely difficult times for them. These days will no doubt be every bit as difficult as the holiday season. We simply want the Miller/Roissier families to know that we have not forgotten and that we think of them often. I particularly do as I’ve contemplated how I would handle Jamie’s predicament if I were in his shoes; I cannot begin to imagine the agony, depression, and fiscal chaos that would result. The value of life itself would no doubt be questionable if it weren’t for kids (and therein may lie the very answer to the reason to try to sleep, to get out of bed, to attempt to regain and maintain some semblance of normality, and to hope for better days ahead). These are my musings; I’ll have to ask Jamie if they are applicable.
Allison and I have both read “The Shack” (Jamie, I’ll be mailing that back to you shortly). I feel that it has some value, yet I’m not sure that it would bring about a Eureka moment if I were experiencing Jamie’s plight. Since different folks react differently to anything and everything, I can see how the book would be worth a mention to anyone who’s had their lives similarly torn apart. I’ll save my thoughts on the book until Jamie and I can discuss them over a cold beer.
In December, Allison and I went to our company Christmas party (Jamie’s company, too). The first person we ran into was the BP Alaska CEO. After introducing him to my wife, he immediately asked “How’s Jamie?”. I was extremely impressed. They have never met, yet this man has visited this web site several times and he personally encouraged, pushed, and prodded an initiative to bypass the typical mountains of red tape to make some company benefits available to Jamie in an extremely quick time frame. I chalk it up as an unknown and unpublicized monument to Renee’s life.
I usually talk to Jamie at least twice a month, sometimes more. I try to call on days that don’t mark past memories such as anniversaries, birthdays, etc. If I do call on one of those days, it’s a mistake; I’m grateful that this web site, which has great value in a great many ways, exists to help remind me of what some of those dates are so I can try to avoid calling on them. All the same, it’s always good to talk to Jamie. Not only does it give me more reason to admire his willingness to push ahead through the fog, it reminds me to be eternally grateful for what I still have that he has had taken from him. Keep on truckin’ Miller. I’ll talk to you soon to see what’s up with wrestling and the rest.
Bobby Wrenn
Dear Jamie — I have been following you from afar, and I’m one of the “thems” regarding your statement about “losing touch with . . . your situation is so difficult for “them” to deal with they just can’t” well, as I said previously, I am one of the “thems”. My brother, whom I adored, passed away September 14, 2008 in a bizarre twist associated with Hurricane Ike, and my brother-in-law, whom I also adored, passed away March 13, 2009 (suffered a brain aneurism December 31, 2008) — both were only 53 years old. I guess dates are important to me also. I have been afraid to call — afraid I will fall apart on you, and I believe that is the very last thing in the world you need. I will give you a call from home. I want you to know that I have held you and your family close in my heart and prayers since last March.
Sarah Fujimoto
P.S. Doug Vaughn said congrats on the Redskins new Head Coach and offers his condolences.
Jamie…….I, like you and every one else, can hardly believe that a year has past. Even though Renee and I didn’t stay in touch often, mostly when it was time for class reunions, it’s still hard to believe she’s gone and know that you and the kids have continuously been in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m happy to hear that you are doing a little bit better….I think Renee would be happy knowing that.
Take care…
Ellen Hearn
Jamie – thinking of you and your children on this day. I’ll talk to you when I get home next week.
Psalm 10:14 (NIV)
14 But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.
The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless.
I think of you, the Miller Family, and pray for you often. Why pray when this whole situation seems impossible to make right? Because I believe God, the God of the Bible and the Father of the Lord Jesus Christ, reigns over all of His creation with His Glory preeminent in all things…which means for those who love Him, all does work for their good. God’s love is staggering, as seen in Jesus’ willingness to suffer the cross. While grief lays like a suffocating blanket on your soul, Jamie, God’s grace is sustaining you each day. Actually reading the Bible is key to seeing God as He really is and seeing your life as it really is. Knowing He can be trusted with every aspect of life brings rest;(He even promises some sleep). The Bible tells us all; the Word of God brings healing. This life isn’t all there is. For me, that is great relief; all is not lost. I’ll keep on praying.